"you don't need a man, you need a champion."

Listen to this first: Dark Side-Kelly Clarkson

I heard it awhile back and really liked it but it wasn't until a random shuffle put it through the Mazda speakers 2 days ago that it hit me hard.
It's a message to one from the past and also a question to the future. A question that I've never thought about let alone asked before even though this song made it glaringly obvious that it's one of the most important.
It irks me that I still have thoughts of the past, that it still bothers me and makes me feel sad. It could be due to the recent engagement that makes it feel so off or just that I'm still harboring unforgivness of my own actions or maybe it's just because I haven't moved on to another person. Closing in on the two year mark makes me really want to get to the bottom of it and Kelly gave me what I believe is a crucial piece to that puzzle.

The beginning of 2010 was my 'dark side' and there were a lot of moments leading up to those months that showcased it as well. I didn't realize at the time but I was just reacting to the actions he had taken and also the current life situation. After all was said and done I owned up to my poor actions and put a lot of the blame on myself.
I wasn't enough...
I took him for granted...
I let my emotions get the best of me...
I reacted out of resentment...
I didn't let go of the past...
The self-bashing goes on and on and while I believe it's good to own up to your share (never a one sided story), I magnified my contribution to the fall. I still am grateful for the eye opening that took place to realize my capacity to act in un-loving ways and to take a look in the mirror so to speak.
BUT
my latest realization is what I'm taking as a big step towards moving forward and leaving the past completely behind. It's an understanding of what my eventual guy will and should be like, not how I can change myself to not repeat the past (though equally as important).
The realization is that at my worst, he didn't bring me back to my best. He didn't love me through it, he turned away when it got hard, when his happiness was threatened.

There's a place that i knowit's not pretty there and few have ever goneif i show it to you nowwill it make you run away

or will you stayeven if it hurtseven if i try to push you outwill you return?and remind me who i really amplease remind me who i really am
So the reality has always been there but finally tangible for me I guess. It's revealed a crucial component of the man I want and explained why that isn't, and can never be him. This song is so moving to me because it's a strong acceptance of the past but still gives me a very powerful, inspired hope for what's to come. It's a challenge and very transparent question to the next one; can you handle this?! Can you love me through it, can you remind me who I really am when I'm tempted to not be myself....
can you?
-TianaI'm just a girl and sometimes I suck. And that's okay.

My Apologies for Being a Negligent Blogger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCB9oY6YIKc

Hello Lovelies and happy day two of this new year!

Don't worry, this blog isn't a new years resolution that I made and will negate after two weeks like the usual suspects tend to do. I'm going to make an honest effort to contribute to this scribe more frequently. ;)

So these past couple days I've been hearing and seeing all these proclamations of resolutions for the new year from different people. Then, I finally talked to my favorite new found realist ( Tiana)and she said "I'm kind of...not effected this year. Same shit just a different toilet." Haha, and as many times as I've heard that euphemism before, it never was more accurate or appropriate for my new found realization.

Resolutions end up being broken promises and declarations we want the world to know we want change about ourselves. Honestly, I can be guilty of saying things about myself I want to change and never fully following through. But after reflecting back on the shit show roller coaster ride of feelings and emotions of this year, I thought back to Tiana's lovely analogy and decided - I just need to "FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET.

I started off 2011 by falling then picking myself back up, then meeting a new boy, but he turned out not to be the prize pig. And I ended the year by falling for that friend whose been there the whole time, but ended up not being his first choice. So now I've decided I want to put a stop to being effected by all this crap (no pun intended) and just mush forward.

I've always been the type to be a brat when it came to relationships and not letting feelings get the best of me. But in the end when they do catch up to me, it hurts a little bit more...shocker! So I guess what this post comes down to is, new years resolutions are whack, but honest self betterment at anytime is wonderful. I've always been comfortable with my own company, and now It's time to just go back to that and take everything day by day- And I think that's my first glass half full idea to share with you beauties for 2012.

Toodaloo from,

The Girl Who Just Wants to Be Proved Wrong...

Jingle Bells Are For Lovers

-Tiana

I'm just a girl and I'm sick of waiting under the mistletoe

My Favorite Intersection

One week ago this image would have made me burst into tears. The frustratedFTHISwhatdoIdo kind.
But now?
Now it makes me smile and has become the perfect descriptor of my last couple of weeks. Seeing it made me smile and know that the "aha" moments I've had were really "aha-s" and not just things I tricked myself into believing.
I had a serious tug-of-war battle between accepting the fateful move to LA or flipping the script and going for it all in Portland. Both had great opportunities full of potential for me to find, create, grab, and run with. Both had pros and cons lists with the EXACT SAME number of pros and cons. Both were far from home. Both had boys I hadn't met yet. Both could fail miserably.
After much debate, prayer, and input from those around me I finally figured out that there isn't ALWAYS a right and a wrong choice. Sometimes there is just a choice and you have to make it regardless of what could have been waiting behind curtain #2.

And then I realized this! [I know, I know...I had a day of genius]

This...that you know what? How laughable is all my stress and scrutiny! How funny that I really think I have that much control. Sure, I've got the ability to choose and to create...but to a point. Am I really so large and in charge that I believe one small choice is going to be the defining moment of the rest of my life? That I can get in the way of God's plan for my life? HA!! Silly girl...

And after I laughed at myself guess what happened...I started to breathe again. It was a lovely breath too.

And so now I realize (as I'm sure someone else has done and written really articulate, scientific, and inspired novels about) that one way or another...I'll get there. Where ever there even is...I'll get there because I have to. Because all of that is already planned out for me I just gotta live it and soak it in and be the best at whatever is in front of me.

Tiana

I'm just a girl going places

sweet darlings.

T, your last post has got me thinking.

i really love the einstein quote! somethings gotta change. we want new results. we want to improve. i like it.

it is a time for change.

a sweet inspired woman told me i needed to watch this video a couple months ago when i was down in the dumps. it touched me. it reminded me to hope. when i watched it again yesterday i thought of you girls and where we are at, i knew i had to share.

i love you.

and things are only going to get better.

"some blessings come soon. some don't come til late. and some don't come til heaven."

Desiree

i'm just a girl and i'm gunna keep on walking.

Insanity

For I do not do the good I want to do, 

but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

Romans 7:19

Time after time after time too. Like a wild animal with no ability to reason or feel emotion or learn from experience...actually even unintelligent wild animals learn not to touch the fire twice, damn!

I'm laughing as I write this but seriously though. You have three degrees girl, you know some stuff, lived some life, learned some things. 

what. is. the. deal?!

I know what is right and wrong and I know what kind of person I truly am so why do I keep doing exactly what I don't want to do even after specifically pointing it out and mentally (okay fine sometimes out loud) telling myself, "NO!"?

It's not my voice I'm hearing when I indulge such desires but it's deception disguised as my own. I Listen which is what turns the accountability on me. Especially because I know better and don't want this behavior for my life. 

Is it deep-rooted psychological issues coming out to play the only way they're being allowed? A cry for attention? Insecurities I'm not facing? Probably. 

Right now though I don't have the cash for a spot on a stiff chase lounge to work all that stuff out so I need to continue to seek out the only counselor I'll ever truly need and take this issue at the face value I can afford. I'm allowing sinful thoughts to become my own and act upon them. The end. 

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. 

I'm taking that slap in the face and using it. Thanks Albie.

-Tiana

I'm just a girl and I don't like to listen sometimes

No Scrubs

"You don't need a man...you need a champion."

-Felipe; Eat, Pray, Love

-Tiana

I'm just a girl who likes to win

when my world will stop spinning

crap.

well i give up.

-Desiree

i'm just a girl, and i'm just going to have to stop watching love movies.

I Think I Can[t]

An ode to Des' love for guerilla art and just what the doctor ordered to keep me focused.

7 days to get in shape, 3 to fall back out...

1 step forward, 2 steps back...

A second on your lips, a lifetime on your hips...

Why is absolutely everything so backwards? I know we're not supposed to know and we never WILL know certain 'why's' or 'why not's' but like...come on man. I enjoy shabby chic and design elements that don't belong together just as much as the next creative nerd but leave the funky juxtapositions for photoshoots, please!

I guess, just like always, you gotta keep doing that Thomas the Train thang. I want to give up but the deviant little child up there and my bills say I can't.

Uphill battles are good for your butt anyway.

-Tiana

I'm just a girl and I got buns of steel

Cupid's Corner

Sorry for hogging this but only the strong survive.
haha :)

I started a new devotion plan today...I chose one not even specifically tailored to me but just SOMEthing to get me started on a regular reading plan because like so many things, I clearly cannot do this on my own.

Today's reading was on the harlot Joanna and the story I've heard a bunch of times...you know, she was the town hoochie mama and stalked Jesus for the perfect moment to sneak attack him and wash his feet in expensive perfume. 2011 version.
Anyway, it's a great story to show His compassion and love and that you can never stray too far–He will always love you. I can identify with being a sinner but I don't have a brothel on my resume so this story has never truly hit home for me.
The closing of my devotion is what got me though:

She made quite a spectacle of herself that day. I can imagine that it took her a long while to make her plans and then to carry them out.

I'm prone to say, "What courage." But no. It wasn't courage that drove Joanna to Simon's house.  It was love.

And so the unnamed harlot lives on through biblical history . . . while princes and procurators and scribes and Pharisees, mighty men and strong men and wise men and rich men, are all long since forgotten. Her only claim to fame? 
She loved [too] much.


I added the too because that's how I read it first and what made me smile. We're told over and over to 'guard our hearts' and 'not get in too deep' and 'play hard to get, never let him see you sweat'. All the silly girl love stuff is laughed at and I'm chalked up to being naive and far too hopeful. 


I once read that it's not what you did or achieved that people remember but how you made them feel.
If my greatest demise in this lifetime is loving too much, so be it. 

-Tiana

I'm just a girl and I'm gonna love you whether you like it or not