I heard it awhile back and really liked it but it wasn't until a random shuffle put it through the Mazda speakers 2 days ago that it hit me hard.
It's a message to one from the past and also a question to the future. A question that I've never thought about let alone asked before even though this song made it glaringly obvious that it's one of the most important.
It irks me that I still have thoughts of the past, that it still bothers me and makes me feel sad. It could be due to the recent engagement that makes it feel so off or just that I'm still harboring unforgivness of my own actions or maybe it's just because I haven't moved on to another person. Closing in on the two year mark makes me really want to get to the bottom of it and Kelly gave me what I believe is a crucial piece to that puzzle.
The beginning of 2010 was my 'dark side' and there were a lot of moments leading up to those months that showcased it as well. I didn't realize at the time but I was just reacting to the actions he had taken and also the current life situation. After all was said and done I owned up to my poor actions and put a lot of the blame on myself.
I wasn't enough...
I took him for granted...
I let my emotions get the best of me...
I reacted out of resentment...
I didn't let go of the past...
The self-bashing goes on and on and while I believe it's good to own up to your share (never a one sided story), I magnified my contribution to the fall. I still am grateful for the eye opening that took place to realize my capacity to act in un-loving ways and to take a look in the mirror so to speak.
BUT
my latest realization is what I'm taking as a big step towards moving forward and leaving the past completely behind. It's an understanding of what my eventual guy will and should be like, not how I can change myself to not repeat the past (though equally as important).
The realization is that at my worst, he didn't bring me back to my best. He didn't love me through it, he turned away when it got hard, when his happiness was threatened.
There's a place that i knowit's not pretty there and few have ever goneif i show it to you nowwill it make you run away
So the reality has always been there but finally tangible for me I guess. It's revealed a crucial component of the man I want and explained why that isn't, and can never be him. This song is so moving to me because it's a strong acceptance of the past but still gives me a very powerful, inspired hope for what's to come. It's a challenge and very transparent question to the next one; can you handle this?! Can you love me through it, can you remind me who I really am when I'm tempted to not be myself....
can you?
-TianaI'm just a girl and sometimes I suck. And that's okay.
